Still Awake…

When you’re all alone, you will break. No matter how tough or strong you thought you’d be. There is no such thing like “I’m used to it” or “I can handle by myself”. The thought of being alone is heartbreaking and terrifying.

In the middle of the night, I’m all alone. I stared at their sleeping faces, so simple and calm. I’m scared. I want to cry. Problems piled up in front of me until I could no longer breathe. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any means to do anything. At this rate, I’ll burden them. They’ll look at me once again with disgust in their eyes. They would pity me, reminding me everyday how worthless I am and everything was a waste.

“Help me! Help me! Help me!” My heart and soul, screaming loudly again and again. I need to fight back the tears. I need to quiet the sobs. I must face this alone, even if it means breaking me apart. I can’t burden them! I don’t want to be a burden. I must endure the squeezing of my heart. I must stand tall even I wanted to collapse so badly. I’m so pathetic. I hate it. I can’t do anything. I can’t even help myself. Those were all lies. I’m not strong, not smart, not kind, not talented. I’m not the girl you expect me to be. I’m sorry…truly sorry for my incapability, for being worthless, for being weak.

I must smile. I definitely need to smile. I can’t afford to cry or else they’ll see the red in my eyes. I can’t ask them for help or they’ll know the real me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m slowly breaking- slowly and painfully. I hate this feeling! I rather die than troubled them. I don’t want my family to see the real me- a coward, good-for -nothing, pathetic girl. I girl that should’ve never been born.

I must continue to laugh. Act the way like I used to be. That was simple. I must continue …

“Please stop me! Stop me! Anyone?” Please let me cry. Please help me. I don’t to smile and laugh anymore! I can’t take it! This heaviness in my heart is dragging me down. I can’t breathe. I can’t swallow. The air feels heavy and it makes my body tremble with fear. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to suffer anymore.

Let me be happy for once.

Let me be selfish for once.

I’m killing myself.

…minutes have passed but it feels like an hour. I look at my family’s sleeping face once again and smiled. Faces so peaceful and calm snapped me back again to reality. I’ll never show them the real me. I don’t want to see their troubled faces. I’ll continue to smile until the day where it will finally kill me.

I Am Nobody (IAN)

Aberrant, eccentric and weird – words that fits me perfectly. The “me” who is unknown to the world, the face behind that mask and the one that nobody noticed. That’s me. The Nobody.

The life in which I walk on is something I always thought as normal. But, then I asked myself, what is normal? Can it be defined? Does it have some standard? Who is normal? How can you become normal? What mask should I put on to be considered normal?

Did no one noticed the weird me or did they just turned a blind eye? Has anyone noticed how I shift from one character to another? Has anyone noticed the troubled me? Has anyone ever did look at me properly?

These thoughts lingered for so long. Going on over and over again in circles, it’s frustrating. Is this normal? Am I normal? What is normal? I’m scared of being alone. The strong act I put, I wonder if anyone saw the holes I purposely made. I wonder how many people I fooled and attached to me noticed?

I’m crossing my fingers that if you were to read this and I manage to be walking beside you, will you notice me? That fake smile, that made-up laughter, the pretend me, can you see the real me?